An Emotional Rollercoaster that is Parenthood

 

2 months before the roller coaster begins

Well!! It’s been more than a year since my mind ushered me to write something. The last time I wrote was a eulogy of my beloved grandmother who passed away last year. Life always comes full circle, and it automatically triggered me from my mental inertia to think and convey my thoughts on a new sprout that entered our life- birth of our daughter. We usually associate birth with happiness that is very innate. Passed on through generational hardships of birthing through millennia, the feeling of happiness on the birth of a child is natural. No logic just plain genetically passed emotion. To add another layer to this simple occurrence, I am here to express the multiple emotions that seeped in the mattress of our journey of parenthood. Let’s talk about it.

Let’s rewind the tale to August 2024. It was the first time we found out that Ketaki was pregnant. To validate the news, we made an appointment with the radiologist (Dr. Athavle) for the USG imaging. Like the naïve first-time parents, we thought this would be our only visit to a radiologist for a scan and the next 8 months would be hunky dory. Little did we know that this Silsila of visiting the radiologist would continue. Practically every month, we visited the radiologist to determine the health of the fetus- length of the spine, radius of the head, percentile weight of the baby, health of the placenta, heart rate of the child, critical parameters to check for Down’s syndrome, etc. The Anxiousness emotion kicked in before every visit. My parents would vouch for the fact that I never got anxious before any academic examination or critical high management meeting. But sitting on the chair every time and viewing the live scan on screen for 5-10 minutes would be a nerve-wracking experience – I could feel the resonance of my heart rate with the baby’s – 140-150 beats/minute. Just FYI -Average adult heart rate us around 72 beats/minute.

Holding her for the first time

As we progressed through pregnancy, our cheerful little child periodically reminded us of her presence with little kicks. Every month we got to see a black and white photograph of her in the scans. We witnessed with the emotion of ‘Awe’ as the miracle of life took shape in front of us.  From being the size of a coffee bean to entering the world as 3.4 Kilograms baby, we had the front seat view of beautiful process that evolution designed for us humans. This movie of mitosis was going on for 9 months at an uneventful normal pace. Until our little baby, in retrospect has a flair for drama and thrill, decided to play a little prank on us.

During the last month, Ketaki underwent regular NST (Non stress test) to check on the heart rate of the baby. The normal heart rate is in the range of 140-150 beats. Our baby decided to kick this normalcy to overdrive – 170 beats. In medical terms, this triggers a conversation of an emergency C-section since the baby seems to be in distress with the high heart rate. Our gynecologist immediately advised to get admitted and monitor the heart rate with the possibility of emergency surgery. As we reached the hospital, our ‘Mastikhor Mulgi (Marathi translation of naughty girl)’ as I like to call her, decided to end the drama and return to normalcy. What started as borderline panic slowly settled into a tranquil acceptance that our child is ready to make a grand entrance. In consultation with the doctor, it was decided to operate on the auspicious occasion of Gudi Padwa.

Let’s de-construct the longest and most stressful one hour of my life on Gudi Padwa (Maharashtrian new year). In the morning of 30^th March, Ketaki and I got ready for the big day. Dressed in hospital attire, Ketaki was wheelchaired into the operating theatre into a territory which is not in our control. Under the spell of helplessness, the mind has the power to wander in uncharted territories. Cortisol levels warm up for a marathon ahead. The comfort of physical presence of parents and siblings gives some degree of stability. However, as the minutes pass, the mind’s grip on sanity starts to loosen. Inspired by cringe Bollywood movies, mind drifts towards movie scenes emphasizing choosing between the life of mother and child due to complications. Cortisol levels increasing their speed gradually. Some more minutes pass and paranoia kicks in. Why is this taking so much time? Has the surgery not gone well or are there complications? Why are they not telling me. I try to divert my attention and check my phone. For a change, social media has a constructive effect on my mind. Just then in a couple of minutes, a doctor arrives and asks me to come inside the OT. Cortisol levels are into overdrive now. Why are they asking me to come inside- they could have just given me the news. This is not good!! As I stand patiently in the waiting area, the doctor brings a bundle of joy wrapped in green and announces that I have a healthy daughter and hands over the bundle to me. Numbness floods my mind. Though I can see her, I just cannot react. With her red tomato cheeks, she gives a little smirk to me. The dam of emotions breaks and tears well up. I cry with joy. I cry with relief that both Ketaki and the baby are fine.

This emotional charged moment gives way to gratitude. Gratitude to Ketaki- who has endured the pain and physical hardships to bring our child into the world. Gratitude to our parents and loved ones whose support and blessings cushioned this journey. Gratitude to our doctor (Dr. Rahi Pednekar) and the entire nurse staff who took great care of the mother and child. Gratitude to all friends and family who helped and supported. Gratitude to our ancestors whose blessings continue to guide us. Even though we are individuals, we are touched by countless lives in their own unique way throughout the course of our life. 

Few moments of peace

Sayuri entered our life and filled it with happiness and sleepless nights. Just as we celebrated her 5^th month birthday, I recall all the physical and mental struggles that Ketaki had to endure in these last 5 months. Pregnancy is one part; I believe the harder part is post-delivery. Dealing with post-partum pains, sleepless nights, feeding the child and soothing the child is a 24-hour job without breaks. In addition to this, dealing with post-delivery hormonal changes the body undergoes is just another level. Enduring all this and still caring for the baby and family, Hats off!! Mothers are superheroes. There is nothing but immense respect and pride to witness her carrying this responsibility with humility and poise. 

Babies are mirrors of nostalgia. Every toothless smile reminds us of our grandmother’s face. Micro emotions with little laughter fire the neurons of memories of our ancestors. Depending on the vantage point, she looks like paternal/ maternal grandparents playfully smiling away to glory. It’s a good reminder to appreciate our ancestors who are living through some intrinsic genes passed over the years. Our parents reminisce about our childhood mannerisms and find similarities in expressions and traits. She offers all of us time travel in the past and yet is the torch bearer for the future.  

Life uncomplicates when we appreciate the simple joys of life. My day starts with her most innocent yet meaningful smile that underlines her presence in our life. Trivialities of life take a back seat. Someone else becomes more important than yourself. Life for the last 5 months has been juggling feeding and taking care for Ketaki & office and travel for me. However, the most magical moments are in the morning when she wakes up with a smile that melts your heart. There is no malice or reason- just genuine happiness to see us. Don’t get me wrong, its far from utopia with the incessant crying and her tantrums before sleeping. She is a handful in the night with the irregular wakings. With her lack of clear communication- she keeps us on our toes. Yet with these difficult situations, her innocence and smiling face buries all our toils into the soil of insignificance. In our childhood and into early adulthood, our idiosyncrasies seemed normal to us, yet it took immense patience for our parents to accept and let us be. These incongruencies and idiosyncrasies of her- remind me of my parent’s wise words “You will realize when you become a father”. Amen to that!!

Looking down upon Life and Looking upto Life

As she enters into her sixth month, I reflect upon this gamut of emotions. Intrinsically I am tuned to be devoid of displaying emotions, yet life tests you. It gives you opportunities to challenge your belief system and adapt to face the unknown. Watching your child grow is one of the best blessings one can ask for. With the little drops of water (Tushar) and the shade of a beautiful flower (Ketaki) hopefully this floret(Sayuri) blossoms and spreads her petals over this beautiful soil called ‘Life’

PS: In every parents’ time there comes a time when you are powerless in handling your child. On a lighter note, I am building a collection of embarrassing childhood photos as part of my armory to keep her in check.